"In Defense of Men": A Guest Blog by One of Many Women Who Might Have Written This

This blog post is a response to a Facebook post written by a woman animal rights activist in defense of men. It included banal comments like, "Here is my request--give the men, who thought their actions were innocent, playful, casual, and consensual, a chance to re-set." (Note, feminist philosopher Kate Manne’s Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny introduces the word himpathy: the excessive sympathy sometimes shown toward male perpetrators of sexual violence.) In the spirt of James Hamblin, who responded to a New York Times article on a Nazi sympathizer with a deadpan parody, https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/11/a-nazi-cooks-pasta/546737/ we offer this response to the himpathy found in the Facebook post.  

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In defense of men!

In defense of men!

It’s time we vegan ladies did something useful for once. Our boys are suffering in hostile work environments and we must take a stand.

You’re already typing vegan lady questions into the comments like, “Well I kind of thought women did a lot actually?” Or, “Sorry! But tell tell me again exactly how men are suffering as they gaslight and retaliate against women who are trying to make the movement more effective? Totally sorry, OK not to answer that.” Or, “Will it be a vegan stand? Was it made in a factory that might also process non-vegan stands? You’re a hypocritical loser to speak up for men when you kill so many animals for stands. I hate you and will boycott you until the day I die.”

Take your fingers off that keyboard. I assure you my voice is worth hearing. I am an extremely successful female who many people like. Men know I will defend them if they sexually harass or assault women. I am invited to all the parties and allowed (encouraged) to post pictures on Facebook of me hugging said men. So many men like me!

Vegan men at well-known groups are being accused of serial sexual harassment, sexual assault, misogyny, retaliation and defamation. This is obviously impossible! Wait, sorry. This is actually super possible. What I mean was--this is obviously impossible to talk about!

Men are delicate. If we ask them to stop harassing us their feelings get hurt. It is our duty to take care of them. We are maternal and they are, apparently, children.

Back to the (really big number) of harassment claims in the movement: let’s examine this “witch hunt” closely. I am a college graduate and I can explain it.

Anytime women in our movement start talking about the never-ending harassment, our movement quickly responds with, “OMG stop! Are you crazy? Accusing a man of harassment could hurt his reputation! His career might suffer! Jesus Christ, lady, he might even get a smaller advance on his next (totally redundant) book!”

Hm. Re-reading this paragraph I realize that when I said “witch hunt” I actually meant “straw man argument.”

  1. Women come forward with harassment.

  2. Men introduce a different concern (male reputations).

  3. Boom--the conversation is now about the men. The concern is for the harasser, not the victim. Is that clever or what?!? That’s why we need men in charge. Of all the groups. All men, all the groups, all the time. Yay!

In these fast-changing times we’re starting to hear whining about the ladies. “What about their reputations? When women report harassment, the men start calling them crazy liars and money-grubbing hussies. Women get fired in this movement, slandered, demoted, humiliated, shamed (either slut-shamed if they’ve dated others or frigid-unfeeling-shamed if they haven’t), and eventually, pushed out. Isn’t it also sad when women’s reputations are hurt?”

Seriously? No.

Pushy feminists seem to think that a woman’s reputation is as important as a man’s. That a woman’s career matters as much as a man’s career. Please.  If you have a man denying harassment and a woman claiming harassment, you should *always* go with the dude! It’s OK to ruin the woman. Even though there’s no more reason to believe his story than hers. Oh wait sorry. He needs to protect his power by lying and she is risking her career by coming forward so maybe he is more likely to be the one lying? That can’t be right. My head hurts.

Anyway, you can’t use conventional logic for these cases. Our movement is different from the rest of society. We are a hallowed, magical place. We’re like Narnia. There are so many animals in Narnia! I have wondered before if we’re not, actually, Narnia.

In the mainstream “fake news” media you see all the same stories. Powerful, charismatic men prey on women for years. Women try to come forward. Journalists do a story now and then. There are whisper campaigns. Jokes. Light wrist-slaps now and then. Everyone knows it’s happening. The men are protected. People around them don’t care about hurting others, or hurting the companies the men work at. The enablers just want to keep getting invited to parties (note: parties are awesome).

Eventually the truth comes out. The men were guilty. They had, in fact, been harassing and assaulting women for decades. Destroying careers and reputations (remember: it’s OK to destroy women’s careers). The companies they work for suffer tremendous financial losses and loss of productivity and progress and the news stories are uglier than an overripe avocado.

Time and time again it’s the same old story. It never ends, and it never changes: When there’s smoke, there’s fire.

And that’s why I’m so grateful to be eating (vegan) Turkish delight in Narnia!

Here in Vegan Land, our smoke is different. It looks like the men are acting the exact same. It looks like the enablers are acting the exact same. It looks like some men are starting to get busted and it’s the same old story...but none of that is true. We. Are. Different.

Our men are good and kind. Our smoke is more like vaping smoke than cigarette smoke. Scented vaping smoke. Pretty pink smoke that smells like roses. Our men would never harass their female minions. They would never hurt our movement with constant harassing, lying and retaliating. What a bizarre idea, right?

That’s why we must defend them. Not everyone understands the rules in Narnia. We must be strong and set an example for male defense. I have it best to use simple logic?

1. Our men are totally innocent and different from mainstream men even though they act exactly like Matt Lauer, and also,

2. Our men are guilty, sure, but only guilty of sort of bad things, and anyway, they can’t help it!

Men are animals. They can’t be expected to shower every day. They can’t be asked to ignore their base instincts to give up eating meat. They can’t be expected to treat women equally. None of this is their fault. They are like small children--adorable, but unable to control their animalistic urges and emotions.

When I see a man at the gym wearing fantastic little shorts it would be wrong of me to interrupt his workout and make him uncomfortable by staring and talking. But if a man sees me at the gym wearing a tank top and shorts he has to stare at me. Biology requires him to flirt with me, to interrupt my workout, to talk to me when I’m trying to relax and listen to Beyonce.

It’s 100% my fault he’s bothering me. I could have worn an Amish dress to the gym. I could have skipped the gym and stayed home to make dinner for my (totally unable to control himself) husband. But no. I had to be an uppity bitch who went to the gym in a tank top. In that outfit I’m not asking to be harassed. I’m demanding it. Men are powerless to resist.

Because our poor boys are struggling with an inability to grow up to control their primal drive to reproduce we must step up. We should stop helping animals (which seems to be their goal as they retaliate against more and more of us) so we can help men. We must love them, coddle them, go to their fun parties, and get woozy under their showers of (obviously fake) compliments.

New rules for vegan ladies:

  1.  Anytime you hear multiple stories of a man harassing or assaulting women in the movement, immediately start defending the man and calling the women crazy. Never try to look into the matter, get facts, or--God forbid!--check to make sure the women are OK.

  2.  As often as possible post FB pictures of yourself with the handsome man who is actually a serial harasser but you don’t care.

  3. Take the heavy load of defamation off his shoulders. Men are tired at the end of the day. They need a good woman to ease the weight of the world. You should start telling all your friends that the women speaking up are crazy. Or sluts. Or ice queen bitches. You can get creative! Try scrapbooking your best smear campaigns. The point is, we should defame each other, and not leave that to the men who are busy with very important work that women could never do.

  4. When If you are harassed or assaulted, go to church and give thanks. A vegan man thought you were worth harassing! That is so awesome! Then throw away the clothes you were wearing when it happened. They were the bad sort of clothes that force men to harass. If you were harassed by someone who made you feel gross, and you’re feeling strange sad feelings, go to yoga or take a paint-and-sip class.

  5. Pet a dog or a cat. They’re animals and they’ll remind you that men are also just innocent animals just like kittens and puppies. Animals need to be rescued, not accused!

  6. Post a picture on FB of you and your harasser.

  7. Threaten to sue any woman who asks if you’re OK after the harassment. Then actually sue. Why not? Litigation is super fun!

Girls, please, join me to stop this witch hunt against men. Women should settle down and support the men more. Whether it’s coffee in the office, giving up a job you deserve to an idiot with a penis, or defending their delicate reputations from (true) charges of harassment--do your part.

We're all just animals, after all. No wait that’s wrong. If women are also animals then we wouldn't be able to control our white hot burning rage at all the harassment and retaliation the men in our movement are getting away with! Ha ha!

To recap: Men are animals and helpless but should still lead the movement. Women are not animals, we are hussies, and our shoes and dresses have caused an epidemic of harassment in the vegan world which we now have to stop. For the sake of men. Who had nothing to do with it.